Striped Toe Socks
Monday, June 30, 2008
I admit it, I'm moping
For a long time he seemed to be trying to mold himself into the Air Force life. This time he was more relaxed, more himself. He has gone through that evolution and come back.. Maybe a little more grown up, a little more confident, but inside still the guy I love.
I don't want that guy to leave.
I hate that his life is so far away. I hate that his family drove him away from here. I had let myself forget, let myself get used to him not being here.
We hugged and kissed good bye, holding on, knowing how long it would before we were together again. Knowing that life would happen, with all of it's joy and sadness. It was an intimate moment, full of love and closeness and understanding. It broke my heart to let him go.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
On the Verge
I haven't blogged about this much at all. When I thought about writing this and any post really, I think about who is reading. My knitting friends, possibly my mom and maybe a few other people, but mostly my knitting friends. We are in the in between also. The not knowing just yet if we will be friends and become a whole or remain separate women who like to knit. On some of the smaller group nights, it has felt more intimate. I don't think this has so much to do with the number, as that those have been quieter nights when we can move closer and hear each other better. It's easier to share your heart when someone can hear your voice.
I never know how much to share with you all. I don't want to be labeled as the person trying to get pregnant, of course I'm so much more than that. The last seven months though it has been an almost constant thought. That's another part of what makes Sunday nights awesome, I am just me with you, well mostly I guess. If I start sharing this will I always think about it there? Will I stop flirting with cute coffee shop guy because I'm thinking about having a baby? It didn't stop me last week.
So I'm on the verge. Of deep friendship. Of motherhood or potential loss. Or of having a drink and some chocolate and moaning about cramps to my friends while I knit.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
The other "wow this pisses me off" story of the week was the "pregnancy pact" girls. A group of girl at Gloucester High School in MA made a pact to all be pregnant together. Now seventeen of them are. The teen pregnancy rate at this school is high enough already to warrant free on-site day care for students. A luxury often not provided for working mothers.
I can't help but feel frustrated and saddened by these stories. My own issues in trying to get (and stay) pregnant aside, what is going on here?
Is it the "trend" of pregnancy that has boomed in the last decade to blame? In 2006 the pregnancy rate when up nationwide for the first time in fifteen years.
Where are the parents of these girls? All of whom are under sixteen.
The issue of handing out contraception in schools is a large one, but what about girls trying to get pregnant?
I'm trying to feel some sympathy here, I really am. I'm sad that the only way these girls think they will feel love is through having a child who has to love them. Mostly I just feel heartbroken for the babies of these little girls.There are so many people in the world who want a child and cannot have them. They want only to welcome a child into a home where they can not only be loved, but be provided for by stable adults.
What kind of society is my niece growing up in? What about my own children?
What happened to feeling ashamed to be fifteen and "knocked up"?
Friday, June 20, 2008
Filled with Happiness (Details added)
Here is the more.
We've know Camron for about seven years. He cannot be described as friend or brother, he is both and yet he is his own special part of our family. We have seen each other through a lot of shit over the years. When he lived here the three of us spent most weekends together. Camron even lived with us when he was having some problems. He joined the Air Force two years ago. His base home is Elmendorf, Alaska, so needless to say we don't see him much anymore. In January he VOLUNTEERED (I'm pretty proud of him) to go to Iraq. He served six months over there and now he is home for less than two weeks. The guys are playing Lego Indiana Jones and I'm laying on the coach in a coma of happy tiredness.
I miss him so much. I'm happy he has the life he wanted, but hell I wish it was a closer life.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Mr Good Enough
I read an article a few weeks ago called Settling for Mr Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb. It's written by a woman who decided at nearing 40 that she wanted children even if she didn't have the father to go with them. She got a sperm donor and had her baby. Now she looks at couples a bit jealously, wondering if perhaps she was too picky, wondering if she should have settled for some of the decent guys she dated, but didn't feel passionate about. Her advice to other women? Settle.
I've given this some thought. It's difficult for me to relate to this, but I'm going to do my best. I got married young, far younger than I should. My husband and I have grown up in the last six years. We have built on the passion that drew us together in our youth and added stability, kindness and partnership to it. We are working on starting a family and I know J will be a good dad. I also know it will be hard, I'm sure I don't know how hard. So my own experiences are vastly different from the authors. I do have friends who have reached the age they started being nervous about never meeting "Mr Right" and settled for "Mr He Asked Me. In settling though, they ended up not with the partners they envisioned, but with men they didn't know as well as they thought.
I've shared this discussion with some friends, my mom and my mother in law. My friend Kim married young, full of passion. She and her husband struggled for years and ended up divorced. Looking back passion wasn't all she had hoped it would be. She now says she wouldn't settle, that she would rather be alone. My mother in law says she has seen many women settle, but not for the right men. Not picking a man for his good qualities, but picking him because he was there.
So what do I think you ask?
I agree with the author, BUT, I don't think the word should be settle. I think the idea is to pick a man based on who he is. If you want children, pick a man who will be a good father. Pick a man who is stable, kind, intelligent. Don't settle for just any guy who comes along, but stop basing your judgments on what he looks like. Is he shorter than you? So? Does he have some extra padding around the middle? If it is the goal for you to spend your life with someone, pick a good one. Pick someone you enjoy being with. This doesn't mean candle light meals and strolls on the beach and all night love making sessions. This means he is willing, no, HAPPY, to let you sleep in while he cares for the children. It means when your body changes after having his children he will only love you more. It means that no matter what happens in your life, good, bad and in between, you know you can count on each other.
If you pick a man who will be this to you, the passion will take care of itself.
What do you think?
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Tagged by Chris!
I had just graduated from high school and in the fall I started massage therapy school, a profession I grew to hate. I was dating the guy I would eventually marry. I didn't knit then and really I don't know how I spent my free time. I'm sure it involved reading and watching movies. I was baby sitting for a few families to keep myself in spending money. It was a magical summer of almost adulthood, but within the protective forcefield that is my mother.
2) What are five things on your to do list?
I'm not a list maker at all. Even when I make grocery lists I rarely remember to look at them at the store. I do keep mental lists though so here goes.
1 Straighten up the house, I've been doing a pretty decent job picking up every day, but the weekend has gotten away from me
2 Laundry, I'm almost out of Tide though and I like to do it all at once
3 Gather the books I want to bring to Knit Night tonight
4 Call my friend Joy, she's going through a lot right now
5 Find some healthier recipes that my picky eater husband will like
3) Where have I lived?
4) What would I do if I was a billionaire?
Buy a house with plenty of room for kids and dogs. Invest, so my money keep growing for the future. Travel and bring my friends and family with me. Hire a dog whisperer to train Molly.
Knit with any yarn I wanted. I would have a house keeper and she would do all the grocery shopping. Oh, and a car and driver. I would buy books if the library didn't have what I wanted. I would also buy a yarn store and hang out with my knitting friends all the time. :)
5) Who would you like to know more about?
All my Knit Night girls. I can't wait to see Lisa do this with pictures.
Thanks for tagging me Chris, this was fun!
Friday, June 13, 2008
And Some More PIctures
We put them in their baby pool and it was so cute to see their reactions. Emily starting kicking and splashing right away, but it took Ben awhile to get the hang of it. He cracked me up when he reached over and snatched Emilys pacifier right out of her mouth so he could have both. I think they would have happily played in the water all day and Joy was grateful for adult conversation.
A good day thus far and thankfully we didn't get rained on.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Photographs and Memories
I'm a total failure at pictures.
I have rolls of undeveloped film and I have never, that's right, NEVER, printed a digital pic. My kids won't have albums of pictures to glimpse my life before them. If they're lucky they'll be able to insert a CD, or whatever we'll have then, and peak into the past.
Hmmmm, maybe it's time to put those honeymoon pictures in my own album.
So, here is a picture from Christmas '06.
LtoR, Kim, Me, Mom, Christina, Deborah
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Rainy Day Fun
Remember swim through it, not over it.
Last night J cut his hair!!!! Pictures pending.