Striped Toe Socks

I started a TTC blog a few months ago at Lisa's encouragement, but I felt shy about sharing it. It could be the wine, but who cares.

In all it's TMI glory.

The Pre Bump

If someone had told me six months ago my husband would be unemployed and we would be starting infertility testing I probably would have burst into tears, but here I am, and I'm ok. Not every moment of every day, but mostly I'm ok. Maybe it's being on the A/D or maybe it's some strength of maturity and character. (ha!) Whatever, I'll take it.

The testing begins Friday and we have an appointment at KMC's Fertility Clinic in June. It's funny to have gone along all this time just trying to relax and let nature take it's course and be here now. I still don't think there is anything major wrong, but who knows? I'm feeling really lucky to have so many amazing friends in my life to support me. Not to mention my family.

There is one other thing going on in my head right now, but I'm too afraid to even write about it. I want it too much. It's where all my emotional eggs are. Not a smart move.

I'm kind of a Susie Homemaker by nature, but this weekend I've really been feeling it. Yesterday I cleaned until everything smelled lemony fresh. I even used Chris's trick of pretending I was the maid to a very demanding boss, myself.

After the cleaning I treated myself to a nap, heaven!

Today I made brunch for my parents and it was awesome, brown sugary french toast and bacon. I also started a pork roast in the crock pot for dinner, making the house smell delicious. I got to use some more of my new cookware and make a glaze for the pork, all fancy like.

Tomorrow, transferring spearmint to it's new pot.

I'm a rock star.

~I have really amazing friends and I am incredibly grateful for them

~Family

~Had a blast in Cleveland last weekend

~Big doctors appointment next week, hopefully some answers soon

Growing up I was taught to trust God. That He was always in control and there was a grand plan. The last year has, one piece at a time, picked at the foundation of said faith until I feel like there is nothing left. I realize it's a lot of self pity and "why me" that has brought me to this point. The losing of faith has just added to the pity party already going on. Last week J lost his job, so yay cake at the pity party! But I'm not bitter, I'm really not. (no sarcasm) Granted it hasn't even been a week yet, so I'm not saying it won't happen, but right now I'm ok. That makes me proud, even if it is unrelated to any higher power. I still don't know where I stand on that one. I am grateful that J got some freelance computer work to do today. The Christian part of me should be saying, see God provided work. I guess it's a start to not scoff at it right off.

It seems so naive to me to think there is a mighty being with his finger on my husbands job, but that was what I used to believe. The loss of faith feels so foreign that I don't know where to put those feelings.

So I'm putting them out there in the blogosphere.

I've been researching container gardening and finally decided to just go for it. I'm not sure it's going to work. I may not get enough sun and bees may not find my little plants to pollinate them, but I'm hopeful. I started with cherry tomatoes and a petunia to keep it company and attract bees. Emily has some extra pots she won't be taking with her, so I'll pick those up this weekend and add some mint and something else, an herb maybe?