Growing up I was taught to trust God. That He was always in control and there was a grand plan. The last year has, one piece at a time, picked at the foundation of said faith until I feel like there is nothing left. I realize it's a lot of self pity and "why me" that has brought me to this point. The losing of faith has just added to the pity party already going on. Last week J lost his job, so yay cake at the pity party! But I'm not bitter, I'm really not. (no sarcasm) Granted it hasn't even been a week yet, so I'm not saying it won't happen, but right now I'm ok. That makes me proud, even if it is unrelated to any higher power. I still don't know where I stand on that one. I am grateful that J got some freelance computer work to do today. The Christian part of me should be saying, see God provided work. I guess it's a start to not scoff at it right off.
It seems so naive to me to think there is a mighty being with his finger on my husbands job, but that was what I used to believe. The loss of faith feels so foreign that I don't know where to put those feelings.
So I'm putting them out there in the blogosphere.