Striped Toe Socks
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Oh, the judging
Last week I received the invitation to my 10 year high school reunion. It has sent me into a tailspin of memories, self reflection and well, beating myself up.
Why haven't I finished school? Had a baby? Lost twenty pounds?
Do I even want to see any of these people?
I can tell myself they won't be judging and comparing, but thats a lie. I would be!
It's not like I was popular then and I'm not now. I've only recently added some great friends to my life.
It's not that I think my life is bad, I like my life, (mostly) so why do I feel like I fall short (and fat) of everyone else?
I felt the same way in HS. I wasn't in the "in" crowd. I wasn't even close. My family wasn't as wealthy as a lot of other people. I never knew the right thing to say. Well, that one hasn't changed. I hated school. Even to the few people I might want to see I wouldn't know what to say.
Why am I letting all those bad feelings still haunt me? Why do I bother with the comparisons? And why am I so darn hard on myself?
Have I really changed? Or am I still fifteen and feeling never good enough? Who the hell cares if some girls thighs are smaller than mine, so what? Does that make her better? HELL NO! So what if other people make more money or seem to have a "perfect life"?
Ok, I care, but I need to stop.
Why haven't I finished school? Had a baby? Lost twenty pounds?
Do I even want to see any of these people?
I can tell myself they won't be judging and comparing, but thats a lie. I would be!
It's not like I was popular then and I'm not now. I've only recently added some great friends to my life.
It's not that I think my life is bad, I like my life, (mostly) so why do I feel like I fall short (and fat) of everyone else?
I felt the same way in HS. I wasn't in the "in" crowd. I wasn't even close. My family wasn't as wealthy as a lot of other people. I never knew the right thing to say. Well, that one hasn't changed. I hated school. Even to the few people I might want to see I wouldn't know what to say.
Why am I letting all those bad feelings still haunt me? Why do I bother with the comparisons? And why am I so darn hard on myself?
Have I really changed? Or am I still fifteen and feeling never good enough? Who the hell cares if some girls thighs are smaller than mine, so what? Does that make her better? HELL NO! So what if other people make more money or seem to have a "perfect life"?
Ok, I care, but I need to stop.
posted by Ginny at 5:09 PM
3 Comments:
Maybe I'm just shallow, but I don't care how old you are, high school reunions are pretty much always about judging people and I don't think anyone ought to feel compelled to go to them! Unless you're like the surgeon general or something, I think they'll always make you feel like you aren't good enough - and for what? people that you weren't even friends with then, and certainly aren't now? I say you should just live your life and be happy where you are - I don't think many people can say that highschool was the happiest time of their lives, and it seems silly to put yourself right back there! I think you're beautiful and funny and sweet (and you totally don't need to lose 20 lbs! believe me, I'd give anything to have hips like yours! but I guess no one's ever happy with what they have!) - you don't need to prove anything to anyone! oh, sorry for the rant there!
Is there always going to be a fifteen year old girl inside us? Yuck.
But, like I said, you're not alone. All those popular girls are going through the same damned thing - we're just normal people and not everyone can become a rock star (unfortunately).
And I love the bright new look!
See this is the beauty of moving so much and changing one's name - no hs reunions. Ever! Never been.
You are beautiful, sweet, and have a huge heart - that matters so much more than hip size, bank accounts, or the facade of a perfect life.
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